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> Light Up Your Day, Sit back & have a good laugh
AC_Devil64
post Nov 20 2006, 04:56 PM
Post #21


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Subject: PUB meter reading


A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, a guy from the PUB rings the door-bell, because the young couple hasn't paid their last bill:

"Are you Mrs. TAN ? You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man ( METER READER )
"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"
"Absolutely. "
"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."

That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the PUB offices the first thing the next morning.

"What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious.
All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

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SV650
post Nov 21 2006, 10:00 PM
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Good one :ok:
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AC_Devil64
post Nov 24 2006, 03:05 PM
Post #23


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A lady walked into a Lexus dealership just to browse. Suddenly she
spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over
to inspect it.

As she bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected
little fart escaped her.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed
and hoped a sales person didn't pop up right now. But, as she turned
back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we
help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though
nothing had happened, she smiles back and asked, "Sir, what is the
price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say
that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to shit when you
hear the price."
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AC_Devil64
post Nov 25 2006, 02:33 PM
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I was walking through the supermarket to pick up a few things when I noticed an old lady following me around. Thinking nothing of it, I ignored her and continued on. Finally I went to the checkout line, but she got in front of me.

"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," I said to her, "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mom?' It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," I said. An odd request, but no harm would come of it.
As the old woman was leaving, I called out, "Good Bye, Mom!"

As I stepped up to the checkout counter, I saw that my total was $1027.50.
"How can that be?" I asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

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JKFAZER
post Nov 28 2006, 01:29 AM
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The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted,
they
fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and
rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my
secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
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JKFAZER
post Nov 28 2006, 01:30 AM
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The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
about
having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was
horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look
at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around
behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"
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JKFAZER
post Nov 28 2006, 01:30 AM
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The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz
had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you
to
be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for
posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"
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JKFAZER
post Nov 28 2006, 01:31 AM
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The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
the
front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied."The Smith's bought one and I liked it
so
much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two
days
at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."
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JKFAZER
post Nov 28 2006, 01:31 AM
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The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought. He glanced at the menu and asked, "How
much
for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied, "The same thing I'm doing to his business down
here."
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JKFAZER
post Nov 28 2006, 01:31 AM
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The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."
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Denden
post Nov 28 2006, 01:34 AM
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:crack up: :crack up: :crack up: the 5th one is beautiful....
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spectrum
post Nov 28 2006, 01:55 AM
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U did it again... ha ha hee hee ha haa..... Bring the House Down... :Jumper: :frog: :Cheer leader:
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anodise57
post Nov 28 2006, 01:47 PM
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(IMG:http://photos1.blogger.com/x/blogger/8032/2103/400/482481/SubaruCab.jpg)

Who's game enough for the new CAB.... Gurantee u from Jurong to Airport in 15min flat!!!
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anodise57
post Nov 28 2006, 01:48 PM
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(IMG:http://home.austin.rr.com/littletriggers/lotrtruthordare.gif)
Uncut version of LOTR...... enjoy!!!
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Denden
post Nov 30 2006, 04:26 AM
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so sweet....:sssh:

Morning Poem


I woke early one morning,
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perched on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and so gay,
That slowly all my troubles
Began to slip away.
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and of fun,
It seemed his very trilling,
brought up the morning sun.
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed,
Then gently shut the window
And crushed his f**king head.
I'm not a morning person
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anodise57
post Nov 30 2006, 04:21 PM
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Awwww .... .tats gross.... DENDEN...... u are 1 farked up GAY man.. hahahaha
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Denden
post Nov 30 2006, 06:33 PM
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QUOTE (anodise57 @ Nov 30 2006, 04:21 PM)
Awwww .... .tats gross.... DENDEN...... u are 1 farked up GAY man.. hahahaha

What?!!!! ;)
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anodise57
post Dec 1 2006, 11:54 AM
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(IMG:http://i20.photobucket.com/albums/b250/anodise5757/newspaper.jpg)

How's this???
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AC_Devil64
post Dec 1 2006, 02:20 PM
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Subject: Joke of the day......

Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between
"Potentiality" and "Reality"?"
Dad: "I will show you"
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep with Robert Redford
for 1 million dollars"?
Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity"...
Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1
million dollars?
Daughter:" Wow! Yes! he is my fantasy!"
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would you sleep with Tom
Cruise for 1 million dollars"?
Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million
Dollars! I would never hesitate!"
So the father turns back to his younger son saying: "You see son,
"Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in "Reality" we
are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.
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Denden
post Dec 4 2006, 08:58 PM
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(IMG:http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y192/brendanchin/ft050417.gif)
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